I've been deep in thought. I have been since I got back from visiting my grandma at 10 pm. I was just thinking about how far along I've come in my life. Hiding from the bullies that I faced walking home everyday after school and hiding from myself. I always thought that I was being who I truly am. But it was all a lie.
Every night when I came home from school, I would sit in my room and wonder what it would be like to just disappear from the world. What it would feel like if I just went to sleep and never woke up. It wasn't that long ago either. Maybe about 4 or 5 years ago.
Since I've come out, things have changed. I see the world in a different light now. I see now that I was hiding from being who I am, not because I wanted to fit in with all the "normal" boys. But from the truth. I was afraid of what I would become if I admitted to myself outloud, that I was gay. That from the moment of conception, my life was different than the other boys. I am gay.
I have to say that I am appalled at myself and some of my family. Appalled at myself because I knew I was gay when I was 6. True, that may be a little too early to know for sure. But I knew then and it took me 15 years to admit and accept it. And appalled at some of my family because they still can't see me for who I am. I still have some of them asking me if I'm sure. Well of course I'm sure. It's not a decision that I made one morning. It's not like I woke up one day and said to myself, "Hey. I think I'm going to be something that has hate speech and people's ignorance attached to it. I think I'm going to swim against the current."
No. It's who I am. If you can't accept that, then I don't need your negative attitude. Yes it may take some time for some people to come to terms that their brother, cousin, nephew and grandson isn't going to marry a girl. But if you have to keep asking if I'm sure that I'm gay, then, and I'm sorry if this sounds mean and harsh and intolerant, but I don't need you in my life right now.
I'm happy with who I am. I'm happy now that I've embraced the truth about myself. I'm happy that I no longer have that gnawing voice in my head who's always doubting every decision that I make. I'm happy with just being me.
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